Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
