when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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