who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
