shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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