kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
