I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
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