when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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