I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
