I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
