True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
