please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
