He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
