no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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