Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
