Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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