Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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