My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
