She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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