watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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