Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
