when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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