God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
