I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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