just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
