she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
