its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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