Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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