Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
