so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
two words...techno handjob
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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