my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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