Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
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You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
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After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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