I got her a Nickelback box set.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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