ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
