Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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