Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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