my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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