he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
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Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
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I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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