I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
whose ass print is on the piano?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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