I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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