i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You pole danced in your parka.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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