Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
