Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
