I feel like abortions should bother me more
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
