i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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