every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
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Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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