You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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