The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
