your parents love me but you hate me
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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