Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
