Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
