my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
