There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
