me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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