I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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