I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
