in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
