If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need to calm my uterus...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
