a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
