I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
